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Hey everyone, it’s Candace Lindsay here. Today, I want to talk about something incredibly important for maintaining healthy relationships: the difference between reacting and responding during conflict. Understanding and mastering this difference can significantly improve your interactions and help you build stronger, more respectful connections with others.
Reacting: The Emotional Hijack
During conflict, it’s easy to get triggered into a high emotional state—anger, shame, abandonment, betrayal, humiliation, you name it. When we try to communicate while consumed by these emotions, we become reactive. In this state, we lose our ability to reason, see different perspectives, or hear other opinions. Our thinking becomes narrow-minded, and our primary focus is often on being right.
At that moment, we are completely controlled by our emotions.
This reactive behavior is often a learned response from childhood or adolescence, developed as a way to survive or feel safe during traumatic or uncomfortable situations. These reactions become conditioned responses, ingrained in our belief system, usually unconsciously formed by family dynamics, community, friends, media, school, and other influences.
As adults, when we find ourselves in similar or perceived situations that evoke strong emotions, we automatically revert to these childhood reactions. However, these reactions are not based on our conscious morals or values—they are simply old survival mechanisms.
How Do You Know If You Are in a Reactive/Adaptive Child Mindset?
Recognizing when you’re in a reactive state is the first step to shifting your behavior. Here are some signs that you might be operating from a reactive/adaptive child mindset:
- Physiological Changes: Do you feel hot? Notice an increased blood pressure or faster heart rate? Experience tightness in your body, anxiety, or fidgetiness?
- Emotional Urgency: Do you feel a sense of urgency to flee, prove a point, or express anger? Do you feel a sense of injustice, attacked, humiliated, betrayed, abandoned, or shut down?
- Disconnection: When consumed by these emotions, we often lash out, become disconnected, and react unconsciously based on past conditioning.
These reactions can happen in various situations, whether during a meeting with your boss, a disagreement with a partner or family member, or even while driving or dealing with customer service.
Responding: The Thoughtful Approach
A healthy response during conflict or uncomfortable situations, on the other hand, comes from a place of respect for others. When you respond, you can see and hear the other side of the conflict, stay connected even if you don’t agree, and take the time to digest what has been shared before choosing the best way to reply.
When we respond, we are more conscious of our words and actions. Our emotions are not in control; we are not stuck in our adaptive child mode. Instead, our response is based on the morals and values important to us as mature adults.
How to Shift from Reacting to Responding
So, how do you move from reacting to responding? The key is self-awareness and mindful practice. Here are some steps to help you shift your behavior:
1. Notice Your Feelings: When you become aware of your feelings coming up, take a moment to identify them. Is it anger, resentment, shame, or feeling wronged? Where do you feel it in your body?
2. Take a Breath: Pause and take a few deep breaths. This helps calm your nervous system and gives you a moment to think before acting.
3. Acknowledge Your Emotions: Understand that these are your feelings and not the other person's. It's your perception of the interaction that is triggering these emotions.
4. Assess the Urgency: If you feel an urgent need to speak your mind, it's a clear sign that you're out of balance. It might not be the best time to respond. If the discussion gets heated, consider taking a time-out and revisiting it when you can approach it with kindness and an open mind.
5. Stay Connected: Remember, you don’t have to agree with someone to respect them. Being relational means staying connected, being respectful, and kind.
Becoming Self-Aware: The Key to Healthier Relationships
Paying attention to how your body feels daily and noticing changes throughout the day—like anxiety, anger, intolerance for certain behaviors, or feeling short-fused—can be incredibly insightful. Reflect on these feelings and ask yourself questions such as: Where was I? Who was I with? What was the situation? What was the topic of discussion? What are my beliefs around those events or interactions? Reviewing any reactive responses you may have had will lead you to become more self-aware.
This type of honest self-reflection is essential for making personal changes. By becoming more self-aware, you can shift from reacting impulsively to responding thoughtfully, which is crucial for maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Remember, mastering the art of responding instead of reacting doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a journey of continuous self-discovery and growth. But with patience and practice, you can develop this vital skill and transform your relationships for the better.
If you’re ready to take the next step in improving your relationship dynamics, let’s work together. Visit my website for more insights and resources, and don’t forget to follow me on social media for daily tips on building healthier, more meaningful connections.
Stay connected and stay kind,
Candace Lindsay
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